You speak English?

...then can I have some money for the crack cocaine I need to buy. I mean food. No I mean school fees.

Trust me, you'll want to pay for my final term of school, even if it is your last penny of money, when you hear about what I did at school today. Or didn't do actually. But more of this later.

Let's begin with the beggar women I have been watching at Gare de L'est whilst preparing research for my final term performance. How much do you think they make? They target people with the phrase 'Do you speak English'. They are missing an entire trick here. Firstly, the French hate the English. The Parisian's more than any other breed of French person. So you say that to a Frenchman and you'll be lucky just not to get hit. You can at best expect to be ignored. And then you have the English man who at first glance already hates you for being so obvious in your poverty. I mean we like a stiff upper lip. If you want my sympathy you're best off nailing yourself to a wall and showing that despite the blood, the pain, the famine, you will not cry. Damn it, English beggars are so savvy to our heartless response to open displays of neediness they have taken to sitting bare feet in freezing winter as a show of their courage and strength. I bet any money their takings go down in summer. 'Any money', how ironic. The second line of attack to the English beggar is to become so smelly and drunk and drug addled that any respecting English man will pay them just to remove the sight from their English walk to the office. I'll pay for your crack if you pretend you don't exist. So that leaves these ladies with all the other nations. First, you have the other English speaking nations. Americans, who can't understand English speaking English let alone anyone with a remotely foreign sounding accent. The Australians, who'll probably just laugh at you and tell you a joke about something to do with Barbecues or Crocodiles or Fosters. And then tell you to fuck off. Who else speaks English as a first language? Seriously? Do South Africans count? Doesn't matter anyway as they'll just shoot you. Oh Canadians. Yeah, don't worry, I'm laughing too. So that leaves us with the nations whose first language is not English but who have begrudgingly learnt it anyway because all the American companies taking over their countries don't speak their language. Plus there's only so many times you can go to any country with an English tourist and not get fed up of them understanding nothing without help. So these poor people learnt it just to shut us up. And they are the most forgiving, sympathetic of all the nations. Even the Germans who are so sociably reasonable (post Nazi's of course) that they trust the public to pay for transport and don't even bother installing barriers at stations. Clearly they are either a nation of Smurfs or the government is just plain stupid. In fact with policies like this we should all learn German. Screw everything else. Learn German. Move to Germany. Never pay for anything again. Solves all problems. Including world debt, Greece, Clown school fees, the Tory coalition government and beggar women who need to show more thought when picking clothes from rubbish bins. WHY does everything have to clash? It doesn't make me want to give you cash, I'm just tutting that in this day in age, and in Paris as well, you didn't make more of an effort. I mean I have thrown clothes away in the past and not one item has had a multitude of patterns and colours that look like someone vomited them out. Well maybe some of my outfits from the 80's but to be fair to me my Mum bought those. Or my sister. So how do these women manage to find not one item to wear but a whole treasure trove of them to be worn all at once, even when it's 30 degrees outside. To you American's who don't understand English that translates as something like 80/90 degrees. It's hot. Not Russian cold. That's it, the question is not how much do they earn but how to make them earn anything. I'm either starting a new business managing poorly dressed beggar women, for a feasible percentage of course. Or, I'm moving to Germany where I'm going to dress as a ticket inspector and fine everyone coming off the train. Even those with train tickets. Not only will I find the fees for third term without having to beg but I will be a millionaire. In fact I'm taking the beggar women first to Germany and then to Richard Branson. He's bound to buy my beggar woman company. I might leave one in Gare de L'est though, left behind to ask every Frenchman if they 'Speak English' and then laugh when they say no. She can be paid the highest wage of them all.

French can't even understand French unless it's spoken in a perfect French accent. No wait. A perfect French accent from the region in France they are from. 

And today at school? Well I watched an orgy of course. A class full of students acting like pre pubescent teenagers, gay kissing and dry humping and even miming blow jobs. Why? Because the exercise was 'It rains, it rains really heavy until you run to shelter where you meet another person'. All to a soundtrack of some classical music. So of course everyone got naked (mimed) and fell in love and kissed each other. Men on men, women on women, men on women and then me, watching with more horror than every horror movie audience in the world put together. It could have been worse. They could have been wearing layers of multi patterned, vomit coloured clothing and asking me for money. And don't worry, I showed them how to attack a scene without going down the gratuitous sex route. Just do nothing at all. Bore your audience to induce a state of horror. Far safer and you don't need a condom. Probably make more money the first way though. Damn it. 

Fuck it. Screw clown school. I'm off to make some porn...still gonna need £2000 for the boob job first. And we're back to the same problem. Why does everything cost £2000, even the solution? That's it, Germany here I come.