Goodbye's

Since school begun and Paris reappeared my life feels as though it is hurtling along at a speed I haven't felt for a long while. Writing in my diary I began to reflect on this. Is it just me or when a love ends does life not suddenly gain momentum and take direction? Thinking over my three relationships and their endings, they all have one thing in common, they have sprung me forwards with such force and speed I am lead to wonder if I stand still during the actual relationships. Is it in fact possible to be in love and live and the same time? Can one ever really live whilst considering another human being? Looking at my life, how content I am in myself, how busy I suddenly am, how much I am caring for myself and my needs, I cannot help but conclude that during the year and two thirds that was my latest relationship I stopped being a person. You may feel that is a rather dramatic conclusion but then I'm an actress, drama is what I do.

I cannot see it as too big a statement. Only as a fact. Suddenly, in his absence I am no longer distracted and all the things I forgot I loved about life are suddenly remembered. Passions rediscovered. I feel stronger than ever. More able to face the world without the confusion of someone else's opinions, needs, wants. I concentrated so hard on his side of things I completely forgot me. And maybe that works when the other person is doing the same thing. But does it ever actually work like that? I am losing faith as I get older in the prospect of love. In the concept of it. I know it's real. I know I feel it. And yet when it's taken away we grow, we search, we re-establish ourselves, find our footing. Only to lose all the next time. So why do the next time? Maybe just for the growth at the end of it.

I would like to be proved wrong but I am beginning to feel we can only ever reach our potential when we are alone. Perhaps that is only true of some people. I am beginning to wonder if that is me. I am someone who gives completely of myself to whatever it is I am doing. It is how some small, meaningless jobs have taken far more meaning than they ever deserved. It is why people tend to re-employ me, turn to me for advice or even want to have a party with me. If I am in something, I am IN it. For people like me, perhaps love is simply too bad for the health. Finally I am throwing energy to the things that matter just for me and I am already reaping the rewards. Already the universe is reaching out and giving back to me.

Perhaps it is a certain type of person who is supposed to love. Perhaps it is a certain type of person each individual is supposed to be loved by. I certainly haven't found the answer to that. But I'm beginning to feel it's not a big deal to go through life never having that love because it allows so much time for all the riches of life. It's like my eyes and senses have been opened to the world around me and it's the third time I've had this experience.