Journey's

It's almost impossible to comprehend that the journey I have been on during these past two years is almost at an end. Less than three weeks and Paris, school and Mickey will soon be distant memories. Tied up in the pretty packaging available at all good stockists of rose tinted glasses for memories past.

And yet, even now as I prepare to say goodbye and look at my flat, untouched by the boxes that should by now be filling it's small walls, I already miss everything here. I cannot begin to describe to you what I have been through. How hard it has been. How much I have hated Paris, school, life at times. And yet, this is singularly the most defining experiencing of my life. I am not even remotely the same person as I was when I arrived. A part of me is experiencing these huge waves of emotion and grief for the little girl I am leaving behind in Paris. All the hopes and dreams of my childhood self are being left behind in this city too. And the love I came here with, he stays here too. I began this journey with him and inevitably I have to leave him behind with the girl who dated him. Strange to think I shall be moving home and living close by but the nearer I get to coming home the further away he becomes because he belongs to a world I am saying goodbye to. That's a sad thing to admit to myself and I have a little pang of regret that I didn't get to carry him through to the next part but I didn't and that's a fact and so I leave him with that little girl, her head full of dreams. Her heart full of love and need and fear.

And out of the cocoon steps a woman. Strong, assured, confident and joyfully tearful. I can feel a momentum gathering under my feet that is sure to take me off on some other journey, unimagined and undreamed of. I have never been more excited in my life to see where this takes me and never more accepting of having no idea what is next. As an actress I have reached a confidence and force that is literally bubbling to be let loose. I can't wait to see what I can achieve. I feel that I am at my best so far and this is still just the beginning. The word actress comes out of my mouth for the first time with the full weight of belief behind it. I am an actress. A real life one. A good one. I am a writer too. Really and trully. And now I believe these things myself it shall be far easier to convince someone else to believe me and to give me a job. Nothing has felt more sure in my life than this sense that I am about to step off the cliff into some great things. I am not being immodest. Simply stating what I am feeling inside.

But my heart aches for that little girl I am leaving behind with her hopes and dreams crumbled around her. She believed in love and goodness and had a naive trust that the world saw things the way she did. And the woman emerging from her shell has no such belief or hope. She looks at the world with her eyes wide open. I am damn sure she is better for it but how sad a little day dreaming girl had to die in order for this woman to live.

Paris can keep her and add another romantic to the winds that keep this city moving. She can blow on in dreams and watch the couples strolling arm in arm and the lights twinkling over the river and dream and dream and dream. Because she lives in dreams and always did. Who knew I would leave a little part of my soul alive in this city I have so hated? Isn't that what they say about Paris? She is a 'Moveable feast'. She stays with anyone who has lived here. Well in fact I leave Paris and her romance and her dreams behind but a part of me shall stay with Paris. And she's all the richer for it, this little girl was made for the spirit of this city. Just, someone tell the men to keep their eyes up top and their hands off. She is not to be treated roughly. Only knights in shining armour need apply.

And then, what of the woman? What next? I don't know and no dreams are stirring to imagine because dreams are for girls. This woman will live moment to moment and take whatever happens there. For that is where we find life. Here. Now.