Actors of Olympic proportions

One of the top ten most annoying responses to the statement ‘I am an Actor’ is ‘Oh, I always thought I’d like to be an Actor’. It comes alongside ‘You should write to Channel 4’, ‘Have you been in anything I’ve seen?’ Assuming that all you watch is Soap operas and the odd reality show, then no. How do I know what you watch? What you mean is, are you even slightly famous? No, like most actors, I am not. But I was once told I looked a little bit like Kate Winslet. So, who’s winning now?

Sportsmen take this a step further. They don’t think they’d like to be an actor, they get out there and they ACT. Some Sportsmen are better at this than others.

I was mesmerised by Lance Armstrong’s Oscar winning performance as a contrite Russell Crowe during part one of his Oprah Winfrey interview. I mean even Russell Crowe can’t play the part of obnoxious egotist come good as well as Lance, and Russell has the actual Oscar. If it wasn’t for the fact that he repeatedly admitted he would do anything to win and he was saying sorry years too late, I’d have fallen for it. I so wanted to believe him. He didn’t resort to tears, none of the amateur dramatics for our professional, it’s the un-cried tears that speak to an audience more; which is a lesson that many a Footballer could do with learning. Luis Suarez, I am looking at you.

Rolling around in agony is number one of basic acting don’ts. Real pain freezes the body, go on try it. Slam that finger in the door and watch how you automatically freeze in response. You will also likely swear. If you want to keep cheating with your diving then for the love of all things Oscar, listen to the professionals. Lie still, lie deadly, deadly still. Don’t even breathe. Then just as everyone has their breath caught in their throat, move a finger, just a finger. Then turn your head slowly to the side and cough, as if seriously winded. Then wait for the ref to show a yellow, preferably red card and then get up slowly and limp forward before scoring a cracking goal, from your death bed.

I digress, this is not about those that cannot but those that can and do. Can and do should be Lance Armstrong’s middle name. Part two happened and it became apparent that Lance was not only pulling out the performance to end all performances, he was writing the damn script as well! They are talented these athletes. It’s a shame really that the Lance film that is being penned as I, well, pen this, will not be actually starring Lance. I cannot think of a finer actor to play the man himself, than the man himself. Of course a close second choice would be the aforementioned beef-cake Crowe, a man well versed in being a human most people like to hate. Why Russell? Why? Because, much like Lance, you also act like a spoilt brat when things don’t go your way; ducks from the phone flying towards her head.

And in the course of a two part interview, I present to you, Lance Armstrong’s new career as a slimmer, less hairy, Russell Crowe.

Oh, you’re a cyclist? Not an Actor? Funny, I’ve always thought I could ride the Tour De France…

*You're getting this late as it was sent to a competition that I didn't win first. So sue me if this isn't topical, it bloody was when I wrote it yeah? Ooh got hit by teenage disease there...