Bambers

A year and a half ago I started seeing my therapist, a few months into that a cat turned up, a kitten; a really playful kitten. She would come in and eventually I started to feed her. She's still with me. She's not my cat, she's not my next door neighbours cat but she lives with both of us and wherever it is she belongs. At first it was just a little bit of fun. But over the time I've been in therapy I have noticed parallels with me and this cat. Alright, bear with me. Yes: I know, it's a cat. 

She came into my house with no fear, no insecurity, she just wanted to have fun. Then I started to worry about her and take care of her. And then, I went away. And I came home and she wouldn't talk to me. Yes, I do know cats cannot talk. But she just came and ate or didn't come for days. Then bit by bit she came back. Then I would go away and we would repeat everything again. Slowly, over time, she has learnt that I come back and she no longer gets in a mood with me. In fact, when I come home she is positively happy to see me. She now cuddles me for free, not just when she wants food. And when I cuddle her, and nuzzle her and try to annoy her when she is sleeping, she just lies there and lets me, occasionally she even purrs at my wind up antics. Even more recently she has started sleeping right beside me and twice she has sat on my lap. She does not sit on laps as a rule, she sits just far enough that you cannot reach her with your hands.

Last night a friend stayed the night, the cat came in, as she does, in the middle of the night. My friend was scared of her and couldn't sleep so I had to pick her up, let her out and lock her out. I said to my friend, she will sulk for days. True enough she has come in, eaten, and left. And all of it reminds me of my therapy. Yes, of course, anything in life can have a parallel if you're crazy enough to look for it. And I am well aware that that is what I am doing here, but it also got me thinking. Because cats are the 'bad' animal, they take what they want and don't give back. Of course anyone who has had a cat knows that isn't at all true, it just takes them a lot longer than a dog, a baby or even a grown adult human, to let you in. And is that a bad thing? 

You know how you read those articles 'He's just not that into you' etc, as a woman (sorry men, we do), well cats almost take this as a default message. And you have to earn their love and time. Not just with food, but that's a big help. It's actually a great attitude. I have learnt loads from this cat. She tells me all the time what she will and won't tolerate. She loves me, that's without question, but if I don't treat her with love or I push her away when she's at her most open, then screw me. 

So how does this relate to my therapy? Well in the beginning, being that my therapy has mainly been to do with my trust issues, I pushed that therapist away. Every opportunity I had, I ran away, sulked, didn't talk. "You're only here and listening because I pay you to, which proves my point that no one would want to be here for free". Etc. Depression is a funny thing. I know that it's true my therapist was there because I paid her but everything else about that sentence was utter bollocks. Also, she does her job to help people just like me. Then I went through being very attached to her. I wouldn't talk to anyone else about my problems in case it would interfere with the work we were doing. Then she would go on holiday. And I would sulk. And I would 'turn up for food' but not talk. Until, at some point, I started to trust she would always come back and be there. And then we got to the bit where, I started to want to get closer, not to my therapist, to myself, to my friends and to my family. I didn't sit at arms reach any longer. Put your hand out, you can actually touch me. I'm right there. I'm next to you. Two weeks ago my therapist broached the subject of me ending my sessions. And I wasn't horrified. I didn't feel like she had picked me out of the bed and locked the door, I felt like she saw me. 'Hannah, I think you're alright now. I will be here if you need me, but you don't'. Such is the nature of therapy, you don't rush things, so we put a date in mind, months in the future and now we're working to make sure I will be fine, the work we're doing can continue without her and me finishing won't send me back to where I was when she met me. It won't. But we have to work to make sure that isn't short term but it's long term.

In the meantime, I keep watching this cats trust levels with me and I realise she's teaching me to always be a little wary. I am here. I am open. I will fall in love with new people, be them friends or lovers. But I now know what I will and won't accept and if you don't give me that, I will walk away. There's always someone else who can feed me.