Nightcrawler (A ‘female’ response)

Nightcrawler (A ‘female’ response) - Written and Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn Dan Gilroy

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Rene Russo, Bill Paxton, Riz Ahmed, Ryan Gosling, ‘George Clooney’ and ‘The Heart of the Ocean’

Certificate: 15, Running time: 117 mins, Star Rating: 4

When my colleague Doug Cooper (sorry Doug!) at Screenjabber wrote a review of Nightcrawler that said "At the risk of sounding sexist, I would not classify Nightcrawler as a particularly female friendly movie - guys will respond to it more", well it was like red rag to a bull so my ovaries and I took ourselves to a screening. 

Off I* went - AFTER DARK - to watch a thriller, "constantly set at night-time LA with precious little to charm." I was scared about 'putting myself out there' for the plight of women but then I remembered the suffragettes and I thought, if they can endure being force fed then I can sit and watch Jake Gyllenhaal for a couple of hours. THAT'S RIGHT WOMEN - you can thank me later when you see what a horror this truly was**.

I was anxious as the film started to various shots of LA at night-time. Oooh, I thought, I know this film! I've seen it before. Oh, hang on...where's the car? And the Driver? And then my poor addled female brain remembered that this was a film starring Jake Gyllenhaal NOT Ryan Gosling. But gee, golly gosh, I do sure bet that director is a fan of the Drive movie judging by this imitation opening. But what do I know? I'm just a woman.

And then I realised why this might not be female friendly. Gyllenhaal appeared on screen and his hair was greasy and he was so skinny his eyes almost jumped out of his head and through the actual screen. Every man knows that we prefer to be the skinny one in the relationship if we can help it. No wonder this film is not female friendly, **the gap between his thigh is clearly bigger than mine. I stuffed my popcorn down my face like the emotional eater I am. I couldn't beat him at his game so I would eat that candy***. Then I settled back and waited for the love story.

Even Drive had a love story. I can do big tough man films see, as long as there's a love story.

At first it was a bit about how the skinny man, Lou Bloom (Gyllenhaal ) didn't have a job and needed one. THAT's why he's so skinny! He doesn't eat because he's poor. Oh, I thought, poor lamb needs a good woman to look after him. Because my female brain is always concerned about the lame, the needy, babies and all men who look like they are socially awkward, popular, funny, sad, fat, thin, geeky, brooding or Ryan Gosling. And although this is Jake Gyllenhaal and not Ryan Gosling, his character was socially awkward so I was fairly sure it would be okay to mother him. In fact, by now I had decided that was exactly what he needed. I got so concerned in my fantasy that I almost missed the film. Until of course some red stuff awoke me from my female slumber.

OH MY GOD!!!!!! IS THAT BLOOD??? That man - that man is dying there guys! Where's Jake? Where is he? Is he okay??

Oh! There he is, holding that camera. Phew!
I thought maybe something bad had happened.
And as soon as I thought that, Jake was being bullied by the man from Titanic (Paxton) who was apparently still looking for that diamond, judging by how scruffy he was! I mean, has he even washed since the boat?
Do you remember when the old woman threw the diamond in the sea with that little gasp? What a bitch. Although we all knew she was a bitch, ever since she let Jack go. "I won't let go." Total bitch - THERE WAS ROOM ON THAT DOOR!

Anyway, so he gave up the diamond and now he finds himself filming crashes and being talked down in price whilst poor, skinny Gyllenhaal follows him, I think he's trying to ingest words because that's all that's on offer. Really he needs food. Poor lamb.

I wonder when the love story starts.

'Inspired' by the diamond hunting man’s phone tactics, Gyllenhaal takes his footage to a news room to try and sell it AND HE MEETS A WOMAN! (Russo) Here comes the good bit ladies - the love story is so coming, I can feel it. And, for the feminists amongst us she is like, well older than Gyllenhaal, maybe in her 40's / 50's AND she's like running the news or something! She tells men what to do! And from the get go we can see that the man she's telling thinks she's being far too risky. Pah! Risky? Dude she is cutting edge, ruthless, unemotional, ready to do what she must to succeed;  all the staples for a 'successful woman' in Hollywood colours.

Next the skinny man (Gyllenhaal) is in a cafe but he doesn't actually eat though - I don't mind telling you that I'm really worried about him by now - instead he's here to conduct an interview with, you guessed it - RYAN GOSLING AS THE DRIVER! Oh wait, no, sorry, I got excited - it was so like a Drive scene. It's just a guy who doesn't have much going for him. But he gets the job which is to basically do what the driver does except instead of driving he navigates and he's not as good at it.

NEWSFLASH!!!! The 'Proudlock top knot' has reached Hollywood! (Men don't worry, only girls know what this means:  at the risk of sounding sexist, hair is not a particularly male subject) Gyllenhaal is currently sporting it whilst shooting some 'news' footage in a full Serge de Nimes tracksuit****

So far there has not been one kiss in this entire film so you can imagine my relief when Gyllenhaal finally asks the woman out. I mean it's a bit creepy and forceful, he sort of threatens her, but some men are just intense. He must really like her. During the date he carries on being a bit forceful and I might add, it wasn’t the most romantic approach (sigh) but then I remembered this is the first meal he has had. I mean I get ‘hangry’ and forceful too. Poor lamb, he just needs a good woman to look after him.
He finally points out that because she is a woman who is old in LA she will probably get fired next week or something so she needs to have sex with him.

In all of this Gyllenhaal is getting some great news footage, I mean sure, he's actually dragged a dead/dying(?) body to get a better angle and his morals have taken a beating but this is Hollywood, morals are different there. Also when you're in the 'news' business morals change from the ones we 'ordinary' non news people have.
Meanwhile, diamond hunting man from Titanic wants to recruit the skinny man to drive his other diamond hunting van. Apparently the ‘Heart of the Ocean’ is probably in LA and if he has another van he has a better chance of finding it and snatching it and then they can all be millionaires.

Okay - so currently I don't know what is not to like in this film, as a mere woman, except maybe that Ryan Gosling has not appeared once. Not once. And a lot of it is driving, fast driving to actual 'crime' scenes! No seriously - when does Ryan Gosling arrive?

Oh wait! IS THAT AN ACTRESS PRETENDING TO BE DEAD, COVERED IN MAKE-UP THAT LOOKS LIKE BLOOD? Yep. And then another woman and OH GOD NO!!!! My OVARIES! There's a lullaby a lullaby! No god no! Do not tell me there is a believable looking doll all meshed up in that cot?? Oh PHEW! It's empty.

But here's a man with grey hair, face down, spluttering up blood. George Clooney? Is that you?
Have you noticed how frumpy and old George has looked of late? I mean he wore a crappy tequila t-shirt TWO DAYS IN A ROW recently (I’m far more concerned by those ‘Dad’ jeans in that picture story) It’s because he got married. It does drag a man down. Now all he can get is the part of 'dead man face down'. It's not just women that Hollywood throw out (you can't see me but I'm shaking my head - it's so sad.)

So George is dead AND I totally forgot, the diamond man who made it all the way through Titanic is now dead and still no one has the ‘Heart of the Ocean’ (that's because the old bitch threw it in the sea - I silently shout at the corpse) what a waste of a life. And I thought only women fixated on jewellery.

So then lots of stuff happens but the only thing I care about is that all the stuff that happens makes the woman finally fall in love. I mean, I won't lie, I know that he just needs a good woman to really 'see' him but some of his behaviour was not particularly nice and I was all good and ready to say "you kick him to the curb sister - he ain't earned it" but then he did all this bad stuff that in the news woman's eyes meant he was better than like, chocolate. And she fell in love.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Now, if I wasn’t a woman I would say this film is brilliant, very, very funny (men AND women laughing out loud all the way through funny), that Gyllenhaal is excellent, the Director has a little too much of a crush on Winding-Refn though and the woman in the film is a pure Hollywood cliché. I would also say that it’s an interesting subject with a good dollop of Hollywood ridiculousness and will be enjoyed by anyone that likes to be swept away from reality and good acting.

*I had originally written 'we' here - that's how impressionable the female brain is, I came out of the cinema clearly disturbed, with an alter ego newly formed.

**his thigh gap was actually bigger than mine!

***all around me men did the very same thing! In fact the two men to my right had a medium sized Popcorn EACH! And me emotionally munching on my small; predictably, it wasn't enough - when is it ever enough?

****the track suit was only in my head but as soon as I saw the top knot I knew what product placement was happening. Well done Prudders, Pru, Boi!