Dear Ryan Gosling
Please will you cease and desist from flaunting your relationship in my face. It is enough that fate has deemed it suitable to keep us apart for so long without adding more heartache to my predicament. I understand that as a man, you have needs. As a woman, I also have these needs and I confess, I have not been waiting for you in innocence. But you would never have had to know this had you not flaunted the current woman in your life so brazenly.
Sure she's beautiful in a more obvious way. She's successful in her craft, she fits into your World, sure. But can she write a letter to a Mouse? Does she successfully dream of the life she'd like whilst watching Grand Designs every night. No. No she does not. And you and I both know that beauty gets boring. Worse yet, it ages. And when her features have slid into something resembling a Picasso you will pine for what she once was. Whereas, my face, which was always disappointing will barely register the changes as it slides into old age and eventually death. The only difference in death will be, one likes to think, that the double chin will finally have gone.
Now I know that you don't know I am the woman you absolutely have to marry because you haven't met me. It's true that I haven't met you. But I have seen you and I have watched you. I know that if you had seen and watched me, you would have looked past my double chin and hamster cheeks and seen the beauty and wit beneath. And suddenly beauty would have paled in comparison. I take comfort in this thought. But I do worry Ryan, I do. What if you don't meet me before you knock this one up? What if you're so Hollywood you have to marry even though you've only been dating eight months? Sure, when you meet me, this will be appropriate behaviour. But not now Ryan. Now, it shall only lead to heartache and divorce and bitter custody battles.
So for the love of all things womanly, please cease and desist. Sure, have your way but don't do like a Royal and flaunt it in my Newspaper. Do it like a true man and hide it behind closed and locked doors. And if this should result in a nasty accident, well, let's just say, I know a good Doctor.
Your future wife,
Hannah (the clown) x
Sure she's beautiful in a more obvious way. She's successful in her craft, she fits into your World, sure. But can she write a letter to a Mouse? Does she successfully dream of the life she'd like whilst watching Grand Designs every night. No. No she does not. And you and I both know that beauty gets boring. Worse yet, it ages. And when her features have slid into something resembling a Picasso you will pine for what she once was. Whereas, my face, which was always disappointing will barely register the changes as it slides into old age and eventually death. The only difference in death will be, one likes to think, that the double chin will finally have gone.
Now I know that you don't know I am the woman you absolutely have to marry because you haven't met me. It's true that I haven't met you. But I have seen you and I have watched you. I know that if you had seen and watched me, you would have looked past my double chin and hamster cheeks and seen the beauty and wit beneath. And suddenly beauty would have paled in comparison. I take comfort in this thought. But I do worry Ryan, I do. What if you don't meet me before you knock this one up? What if you're so Hollywood you have to marry even though you've only been dating eight months? Sure, when you meet me, this will be appropriate behaviour. But not now Ryan. Now, it shall only lead to heartache and divorce and bitter custody battles.
So for the love of all things womanly, please cease and desist. Sure, have your way but don't do like a Royal and flaunt it in my Newspaper. Do it like a true man and hide it behind closed and locked doors. And if this should result in a nasty accident, well, let's just say, I know a good Doctor.
Your future wife,
Hannah (the clown) x
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