New year failures
New year failures
So it's safe to say that I failed at my New Years resolution to produce a blog every week. However, lets take a moment to consider the inevitability of this. Considered? Great, lets move on...how is that no smoking going by the way?
It is true to say that lately this site has become the 'thing' to be avoided. Why?! You scream, beg, wail in desperate neglect and loneliness; because writing here means stopping and taking a moment to consider how I feel: whether that be about life in general or what the governments currently doing. Which, isn't a lot by the way; on both counts.
And then someone I don't expect to pops up and gives me a gentle reminder that my blog is very out of date and I am reminded that whatever is happening, however hard things may or may not be, people far away from you are still there. So are the ones next to you. And to them, something as laborious as writing a blog may be appreciated. For the most part this is one sided, I talk and you either listen or you don't but you rarely talk. It's for this reason that it is at once easier and harder to write personal things here. The silence can be a comfort and it can also be too big a space for you to reflect in. Reflections can be glaring and hard to stare at or they can be actually quite flattering...it really depends on the sunlight to shadow ratio.
So how do I feel? I'm not sure. I've had a hard few months with goodbyes both physical and emotional, I've had realisations and breakthroughs in therapy. I've had realisations and breakthroughs in work. I've had fun, I've had tears, I've been creative, I've been lazy, I've been messy and I've been tidy. I've been and being is being. What else can one say on the matter? Well probably a lot and herein lies the rub, I have been concentrating so very hard on being that I have no energy to wonder how I feel about it or even to enjoy it or not; as the case may be.
The obvious thing to do would be to stop trying to consider things and to move into action. What has physically been happening? What news? Perhaps in some event lies the answer to how I feel about things. Well, I've began work on a new work project that will bring in money, keep me in a creative hub and ultimately move me out of my waitress work. I've written a short story and submitted it to a competition, despite the fact that it wasn't ready and needs a lot more work. I have met and fallen in love with a friends new baby, I have drunk champagne in Judi Dench's dressing room and shook the ladies hand, I have spent time with friends and family, I have looked after the lovely Molly dog, I have begun a new fitness regime, I have eaten both badly and now healthily and I have gone to bed and woke up every single day. Some days easier than others.
So, now, in the words of Rolf Harris (please don't let 'it' be true), can you guess what it is yet? It's not rational, it's definitely not that. Because when I remember events of the past two months I see lots and lots of positives. When I look ahead at the coming months I see a lot to feel excited about. I feel as though now, after so many years I am beginning to find the balance I need to be able to pay rent and put energy into my career. I'm bursting with ideas and working hard to see them happen rather than fantasising. This is all good stuff isn't it? So why do I feel so blank, sad, numb, tired and numb again? Will I always feel this way, even when I've toned up my stubborn areas, played Lady Macbeth, had some writing published and married Ryan Gosling? Is this my new default mode? Because if it is, well then this is purgatory, it must be. And how did I end up here? Oh wait, hang on, religious nuts (I refer only to the nuts here not just religious people), you were right, I didn't believe and look where I found myself! Christopher Hitchens, is that you? What are you doing here? You're on my dinner party list! Oh wait...I see why you're here. Well if purgatory is living then maybe not being is easier than being. Or maybe the chemicals in my brain have decided to stop firing stuff around and my brain is not working properly. And maybe, just maybe today will pass and tomorrow is a new day.
Sent from my iPhone
So it's safe to say that I failed at my New Years resolution to produce a blog every week. However, lets take a moment to consider the inevitability of this. Considered? Great, lets move on...how is that no smoking going by the way?
It is true to say that lately this site has become the 'thing' to be avoided. Why?! You scream, beg, wail in desperate neglect and loneliness; because writing here means stopping and taking a moment to consider how I feel: whether that be about life in general or what the governments currently doing. Which, isn't a lot by the way; on both counts.
And then someone I don't expect to pops up and gives me a gentle reminder that my blog is very out of date and I am reminded that whatever is happening, however hard things may or may not be, people far away from you are still there. So are the ones next to you. And to them, something as laborious as writing a blog may be appreciated. For the most part this is one sided, I talk and you either listen or you don't but you rarely talk. It's for this reason that it is at once easier and harder to write personal things here. The silence can be a comfort and it can also be too big a space for you to reflect in. Reflections can be glaring and hard to stare at or they can be actually quite flattering...it really depends on the sunlight to shadow ratio.
So how do I feel? I'm not sure. I've had a hard few months with goodbyes both physical and emotional, I've had realisations and breakthroughs in therapy. I've had realisations and breakthroughs in work. I've had fun, I've had tears, I've been creative, I've been lazy, I've been messy and I've been tidy. I've been and being is being. What else can one say on the matter? Well probably a lot and herein lies the rub, I have been concentrating so very hard on being that I have no energy to wonder how I feel about it or even to enjoy it or not; as the case may be.
The obvious thing to do would be to stop trying to consider things and to move into action. What has physically been happening? What news? Perhaps in some event lies the answer to how I feel about things. Well, I've began work on a new work project that will bring in money, keep me in a creative hub and ultimately move me out of my waitress work. I've written a short story and submitted it to a competition, despite the fact that it wasn't ready and needs a lot more work. I have met and fallen in love with a friends new baby, I have drunk champagne in Judi Dench's dressing room and shook the ladies hand, I have spent time with friends and family, I have looked after the lovely Molly dog, I have begun a new fitness regime, I have eaten both badly and now healthily and I have gone to bed and woke up every single day. Some days easier than others.
So, now, in the words of Rolf Harris (please don't let 'it' be true), can you guess what it is yet? It's not rational, it's definitely not that. Because when I remember events of the past two months I see lots and lots of positives. When I look ahead at the coming months I see a lot to feel excited about. I feel as though now, after so many years I am beginning to find the balance I need to be able to pay rent and put energy into my career. I'm bursting with ideas and working hard to see them happen rather than fantasising. This is all good stuff isn't it? So why do I feel so blank, sad, numb, tired and numb again? Will I always feel this way, even when I've toned up my stubborn areas, played Lady Macbeth, had some writing published and married Ryan Gosling? Is this my new default mode? Because if it is, well then this is purgatory, it must be. And how did I end up here? Oh wait, hang on, religious nuts (I refer only to the nuts here not just religious people), you were right, I didn't believe and look where I found myself! Christopher Hitchens, is that you? What are you doing here? You're on my dinner party list! Oh wait...I see why you're here. Well if purgatory is living then maybe not being is easier than being. Or maybe the chemicals in my brain have decided to stop firing stuff around and my brain is not working properly. And maybe, just maybe today will pass and tomorrow is a new day.
Sent from my iPhone
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