We need to talk about Twitter

Ladies and Gentleman of the World of social network, wear sunscreen. If I can offer you one piece of advice, sunscreen would be it. Well actually, do wear sunscreen but also follow the rules I am about to lay out below because the future happiness of society as a whole depends on it. If you engage in social networking whilst indoors and strapped to a PC then in fact you don't need sunscreen at all but you probably do need a life. 

Now I have noticed a trend recently of Facebook people finding their way to the Twitters. This is deeply disturbing, even more disturbing is the fact that Facebook is now actively trying to become Twitter with the introduction of hash tags. These two social media outlets are designed for different purposes and it's important you understand why before you attempt to jump on the Twitter bandwagon and ruin it for those of us who have enjoyed escaping your Facebook silliness.

So how do you know if you're a Twitter or a Facebook person, you ask rather politely. Well first, if you asked politely then you are a Twitter person. If you are reading this and you don't know me, have never met me and have no intention of meeting me, you are a Twitter person. If you enjoy sarcasm, fun, humour, reasoned debate and being permanently entertained and can offer those things in reverse, you are a Twitter person. If however, you have an over inflated idea of your self worth, enjoy discussing your diet, have baby photo's to share, get pissed off by petty things, are racist or bigoted, like the Republican party, follow Donald Trump, read the Sun and have never understood what humour is for, well then you're a Facebook person. I jest. Or do I? Obviously MY Facebook friends are none of the above* but this is what Twitter thinks of you, we all laugh about you behind your back.

*Some of you are some of those things but shhhhhh...we pretend we don't acknowledge these things for we are British and polite.

Facebook is mainly for keeping in touch with people you know or once knew. Currently on Facebook I have 464 friends (soon to be 0), I don't know 464 people. Well I do actually KNOW 464 people but I don't know 464 people. Some of them I am more than sure never bother my timeline and are just a number in a group and no more. Then there are those I interact with most often who do bother my timeline. Some of these are people I see all the time, some are people I never see and others are people who live far away. I enjoy you all for the most part, even you Paul Kane (who by the way should NEVER join Twitter). I like seeing your baby photo's and holiday snaps and inane posts about crap. Why? Because it's a lazy way to keep in touch with you without actually having to keep in touch with you. This is great for me as I am moody and solitary by nature. However, where Facebook falls apart at the seams in spectacular fashion is during any major news event. News events are not meant for you. This is the sole domain of Twitter, hence the invention of the Hash tag that Facebook has now decided to copy. Why? Because Facebook you are uncensored. What and Twitter is censored?! Yes because I choose my Twitter friends, I don't really choose Facebook friends. They are family, people I went to school with, people I have worked with along with those friends that make up my actual, 'see in real life', friend group. In the World of Facebook it is impolite to not accept a friend request from someone who has been in your life, however briefly and this means that your Timeline in news events can be filled with drivel that you strongly disagree with. If you knew this person and their beliefs, you wouldn't want to be friends with them. You're not really friends with them, your 'friends' with them. For the most part you can enjoy the baby pictures and holiday snaps and nuggets of info without really needing to know who they vote for, that they are racist, that they never learnt anything about Geography and therefore migration in school or that they are a little bit stupid and don't understand sarcasm (this is an example and not necessarily a reference to my own Facebook friends - although racism has bothered my timeline on more than one occasion). But with the introduction of hash tags, Facebook is inviting me to really get to know you all. And lets all be honest here, if we had actually really wanted to get to know each other we'd have made the effort in life to see each other (distance not withstanding). We'd have been to the pub and had a drink and soon worked out we were too different to get on. Or we already know that but we don't dislike each other, we just don't agree on everything so an arms length friendliness is the best and most appropriate option. Hence we are friends on Facebook. I like keeping in touch with the people I went to senior school with, I loved school, I enjoyed spending those years with you but lets face it, we have school in common and five years of our life, that doesn't mean we must agree on everything or be best friends. In fact, I think we often don't agree on everything but that doesn't mean I don't like you or want to see what's happening in your life. I do. But just don't talk to me about politics please.

On Twitter, most of the people I follow I have never met. Sure, a large portion of these are celebrities. However, I only follow those if they are funny, fit or sports and news related. Even the celebrities have to be entertaining on Twitter. Unless they are teenage heartthrobs then they just have to be born; but that is true in life also. For an example of what a solid gold celebrity should be on the Twitters, follow @MarianKeyes.
After the celebrities are the parody accounts, the best of which belong to @TLF and @Queen_UK but then comes the main joy of Twitter. Total strangers. People you've never met and will never meet who make you laugh day in and day out. Facebook people ask with horror 'But why when you don't know them?' And I cannot explain it to you, you either get 'it' or you don't. If you don't, that's okay, that's what Facebook is for. Via the retweets of other users that you follow, every week you find new people. It's a much more selective process, a few retweets from the same person and I might bother to look at their timeline, if they consistently make me laugh as I scroll down, I follow. When I get a new follower I instinctively know if they came for the ride or are trying to get follows. I won't follow people back until we've maybe engaged and they've made me laugh or said something I completely agree with belief wise. Then a quick check of their tweets and you decide to follow or not. I've followed rashly in the past and had my timeline filled with inane shit, as these people are strangers, there is no rudeness when you press the 'Unfollow' button. It simply means, we don't 'get' each other or I don't 'get' you. If you don't get someone on Twitter, you don't follow. Simples. 

There is one man who lights up my life via Twitter, if we were in the same country and his teeth weren't so large (who am I kidding, I love his British teeth in an American mouth) I would have dragged him to the pub, got him stupidly drunk and taken thorough advantage of him by now. The beauty of Twitter is he knows this, I have told him again and again and again because heck, he's a stranger and I can say things I wouldn't if he was a real life man, standing in the pub. In this scenario I would most likely stare and then look away the minute he caught me and spend the rest of the night pretending he didn't exist*. But on Twitter I can shamefacedly ask him to marry me as I know he never actually can and we will never meet. Although, if he did, he would love me. I'm well funny. And so is he, this is why I follow him; and due to him amusing me every day, I am now as in love with him as I am Ryan Gosling. That's an actual lie, I love Gosling marginally more. And obviously these feelings are very real, not imaginary or day dreamy. Real life actual feelings. Let us remember, we all know I will marry Ryan, he just doesn't know it yet. Although I have used Twitter to tell him on a few occasions. 

*His big teeth might have put me off though, I wouldn't have known he was so funny and I'd have dismissed him as 'toothy' when in fact he is 'man of my dreams' funny as well as 'toothy'.

The biggest test is the major news events, most of the people I follow on Twitter are like minded, as well as funny. Sometimes I don't agree and you enter into a discussion, I have yet to have a discussion with someone I follow on Twitter that didn't result in us reasonably disagreeing or working to an agreement. I actually tend to learn something via our differences. Occasionally on Twitter my path crosses stupid people, like the time Didi Hamann retweeted my message to him and I was barraged with uneducated abuse from morons. I amused myself by out smarting them and then embarrassing them before blocking the idiots and forgetting they existed. However, in this process I was also discovered by a non Facebook school friend which was a pleasant surprise. He's a Liverpool fan and therefore no matter what differences we may find we have, he's a keeper. Not a goal keeper...a Twitter keeper. 
During a large event I can scroll through Twitter learning more information than the newspapers give me and getting insights and even entertainment in between. And then I scroll through my Facebook timeline and want to throw my phone out of the window and smash my head against a brick wall. Repeatedly. Show me the babies mother f**kers, I don't need more than that from you. For the love of the imaginary man in the sky. 

Now, what you need to understand is that I am a 'Facebook' person. I use Facebook so I must be. Sometimes I forget my head and I post opinions on Facebook. I soon scold myself for it. Opinions are for friend groups or Twitter. Facebook is for catching up on personal news, sharing personal news and talking to people far away. Facebook is designed to keep us in touch with those we wouldn't otherwise be in touch with as well as those we are in touch with daily. It's for sharing pictures and documenting your life. Twitter is for telling jokes and hearing breaking news. It's for talking to like minded strangers and celebrities you'll never meet. It's much less personal and therefore much more honest. Facebook is a bubble where we share with such a  wide circle of people that we cannot possibly all agree, so lets just leave the real news out of it. 

And if you were offended by this blog post, then we would never follow each other on Twitter and we don't have to be friends on Facebook. Isn't that a wonderful concept? 

If you do cross over the Facebook Twitter divide and can cope in both spheres then the following people should help teach you exactly what Twitter is for:

@TheSwellMan (My Twitter husband), @Bazlyons, @Philosoraptor, @HRH_PrincePhil, @IwanRunner, @themalenanny, @ChribHibble, @TheTweetOfGod, @Charles_HRH, @MickeyJRDizzle and @MickeyMParis 

That's just for starters but half the joy is discovering new funny people so you'll have to work it out for yourself. 

Now Facebook...STOP changing your format and bugger off trying to be Twitter, you're great as you are. That Zuckerberg is so needy. Jeez...