An Unconscious Divorce
There's a lot of laughter about the term they used to describe their break up, a Conscious Uncoupling. However, I can tell you, as the child of divorced parents that term makes complete sense to me. It's about damage limitation for their two children and why is that to be mocked? Divorce or separation is more and more common and more and more children are left in the confusing state this creates. Not from the fact their parents couldn't stay together but that they no longer speak. It's hard to describe what it feels like when the two people that created you become strangers.
I can accept my parent's relationship didn't work. I can accept that my parents are better off not in that relationship. What's been hurtful and confusing was the fall out. These two people made me, they've been the greatest loves I've known, alongside my siblings (and might I add, thank The Lord for those when parent's divorce, get sick, re marry). So the reality of them not speaking to each other is strange. Seeing Mum and Dad completely unaware of how to greet each other the first time they came face to face at a funeral was painful. Choosing a parent to stand with even more so. Until a year ago, at yet another funeral, I never thought there would ever be a time they could socialise together. Sure, they stayed at separate ends of the table and barely spoke, but no one was killed; which was a massive improvement. Time, as they say heals.
They will never be friends. They'll never stand and laugh and reminisce about all the memories that make up my entire childhood. They won't talk about their kids, share the worries they have about us, even spend time with us as a twosome ever again. It means everything is split. Somehow, you're in half. Every major life event is stressful. Every Christmas is a choice between two parents. However, I'm slightly unique in that my Dad has lived abroad since I was 12 so I haven't had to say 'No dad I can't see you at Christmas, no Dad I can't see you because Mum needs me (early days after the split), actually Dad I'm seeing Mum on my birthday.' I'm lucky in that sense. But most children of divorced parents do have to make those choices. Then they marry someone whose parents are also divorced and it gets even more complicated.
So no, I won't mock a couple who, even down to the term they've chosen, refuse to make their separation about breaking that special family unit. They will continue to be a family. They will laugh with their children. Later they will have the hard job of introducing new partners, maybe even new children and that's going to test their uncoupling. But by showing their children now that Mum and Dad will still be Mum and Dad together is nothing but commendable.
And everyone should take a leaf out of their book.
Well, that is tough. Not only in terms of their predicament, but also in how society and its institutions would have to get around that. At least it is good that they have taken the path of self-examination in ways that do not rattle their family, and they don't have to go through the messy process of dividing possession and splitting their assets.
ReplyDeleteKen Phillips Law