RIP Johnny Depp - the one time coolest man of film
Caked in white make up and playing a simpleton, he wasn't an obvious heart throb, but he touched thousands of film goers with his sensitive portrayal of a man made by an inventor who died before he could finish his project. And then he removed his make up and revealed his perfect Cherokee features, effortless style and a generation of women fell in love.
Johnny worked hard not to fall into the trap of 'heartthrob' and chose to play a series of outcasts. Personally he was known for being 'wild' and dated the most beautiful women on the planet. Most noticeably was a four year relationship with Kate Moss, he broke her heart. That's how pretty he was, he could walk away from Kate Moss.
Later in his career Johnny turned to more family orientated roles following the birth of his children with the disgustingly beautiful Vanessa Paridis. As if he could get any cooler, the man had shacked up with an 80's French pop starlet with a cutesy gap between her teeth and effortless Parisian style. They looked delicious whenever they appeared on the red carpet - Vanessa always shy and Johnny looking slightly out of place in a World of movie moguls.
There were several warning signs, an over reliance on a once successful creative relationship, the purchase of an Island and then, most worryingly a starring role in The Tourist. Not only was the film a disaster but women across the World held their breath - he played opposite notorious marriage wrecker, Angelina Jolie. Of course the wild man of film and blood drinking Jolie would fall in love.
But of course, Depp is Depp is Depp. He's way too cool for a Hollywood affair. He was with a French 80's pop starlet with a gap between her teeth. Jolie was out of her league.
And then: 2012 started along with 'rumours' that the Depp/Paridis's weren't happy. Now if I've learnt anything in my 32 years, it's this, if the Daily Mail says it (and this refers purely to showbiz news) then it's almost always proved to be true. I don't know how they do it but if the Daily Mail says a couple are on the edge of a break up, six months later they break up. The exception to this rule is Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes. Of course with Depp it couldn't be true. Johnny is Johnny. He fell in love with Vanessa Paridis when he looked at her back. They were 'forever's'. They wore black and didn't smile. They were perfect.
And then: it happened. Johnny left the coolest woman on the planet. He left her. Sure, okay, relationships end. It must have run its course. I waited for news of a Bromance, maybe even a foray into poetry. It wasn't like when he left Moss, they were kids, destructive kids. The relationship made them both cool, the ending of it even cooler. But here was a different story, he was in his late 40's with two children and dating a French woman with the figure, face and charm of a small child whilst holding the charisma and sex appeal of a woman; a French woman. We were clearly in dangerous territory. Whatever happened next would be vital.
We've all witnessed men hit a certain age and lose the plot. They run out and buy stupid cars, or women, or suits. It doesn't matter how they express their mid life crisis, it's just clear when they get there. Johnny Depp was rumoured to be dating a 27 year old bi-sexual. Oh sure, she's a bi-sexual, she'd have to be. How original. A girl that likes to 'explore' in sex (I am not mocking real life people who are bi-sexual here, just the Hollywood / porn star ones who claim it as a badge of honour - read 'aren't I super sexy boys!'). Of course it wasn't true. Don't be silly. Johnny Depp, the man that dated Kate Moss and Vanessa Paridis? Of course not?
It's with a really heavy heart that I have to tell you, the rumours are true, Take That are splitting up. No wait, hang on, that's when my 16 year old life was over, this is my 32nd year old life. Ladies, Johnny Depp is not just dating but is engaged to a 27 year old that he describes as 'sharp as a tack' - read 'dumb as shit and barely remembers her own name' and 'good for me' - read 'allows me to be a tragic old man pretending to be 20 again.'
Do you know what happened today? He walked out the house with a hat that looked like it had been chewed on by mice. Any woman that wouldn't laugh in her boyfriends face if he tried to walk out in public like that is not, ‘sharp as a tack’.
The man who wouldn't marry Vanessa Paridis because he didn't want to ruin her name is marrying Amber Heard. And to be fair to him, Heard and Depp...much of a muchness...it's not Paridis.*
*Vanessa for the love of all women, get rid of that god awful haircut that is making Johnny look like he made the right decision. Don't cut that man out of your hair, grow him out. GROW HIM.
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