Drunk

Just before Christmas I got a tube home from a night out with a male friend. He was so drunk he was walking zigzags and kept asking where he was going. I left him at Kings Cross where he had to get a connecting train, with instructions of where to go and I hoped he would find his way home.*

He did - against all the odds. I would have put money on him being added to my long list of male friends who have ridden all the way to the end of the tube line when drunk, only to find the tubes were now over. As he lives in the back end of no where, it wouldn't have been too bad if he had - the tube ends in that same back end of nowhere.

In that list of drunken male friends I have many who have managed to do the whole tube line twice in one night. Got off at the end of the line; turned around and ended at the other end of the line.

I have an ex boyfriend who when waking from a drunken stupor found me arguing with a taxi driver about being rude. I ordered him out of the taxi and got out without paying. My drunken ex, only understanding I was upset went in a chivalrous run after the taxi as it drove away. I tried to stop him, but good luck wrestling a drunken man with a 'motive'.

Two minutes later he came back round the corner he had run around, with his shoe in his hand declaring he had forgotten what he was running for. 'Motives' when drunk can be very fleeting indeed.

That same ex boyfriend thought it was a great idea to introduce me to his Mum at 11pm one Friday night when he was particularly wasted. "Don't tell her I've been drinking."

He was in his 30's. Which I add only to demonstrate that age isn't necessarily a factor when we get so drunk we can't stand.

I know many men who have been thrown from a bar for being too drunk. I know of one case where that ended in a horrible tragedy that simply could not have been for-seen: a series of incredible events.
I have known many a man to drunkenly argue and then forget what they were arguing for.

If one of those men were mugged whilst drunk and reported the crime, is it still a crime or were they "game for the picking" because they were too drunk to notice their phone being lifted? In fact should we all just hold our bags, phones, wallets above our heads every Friday and Saturday night whilst shouting "free handbag! Get your iPhone 5's over here."

If you were attacked by a gang, would that still be a crime even though you shouldn't be so drunk you can't fight off 8 men? Hey guys, be ready to fight off 8 men at all times - as Ross from Friends so wisely taught us, have the power of Unagi with you at all times. Prepare to be surprised.

If a girl who is so drunk she cannot walk or stand without help, is seen on CCTV entering a hotel on the arm of a footballer who has 'picked her up', literally, from the floor of the club (probably), claims she was raped and the man she accuses admits they had sex; only he claims the girl, who was so drunk she couldn't walk straight, said "yes", is that a crime? Is it rape?

"What was I running for?" said my ex-boyfriend, his shoe in hand, two minutes after chasing a taxi to defend my honour.

Let us consider this, why does a man pick a woman who is so incapacitated she cannot walk unaided as the woman he wants to have sex with? What do you imagine 'he' picks 'her' for?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest it might just have something to do with dominance - she will probably do whatever you want. Yeah bitch.

Go on, push her head harder so your penis nearly chokes her - go on.

Why does he bring 'that' girl to his friend for 'sport'? What is it about the girl who is limp with drunken fatigue that is so attractive to 'that' man, next to all the other girls in the club who can hold a conversation?

Ask yourself why some men prey on drunken women? (Please understand I mean, really, really drunk women - we all 'hunt' in the modern sense whilst drinking). Ask yourself why two footballers chose that girl. Because I think you'll find you already know the answer.

BOO!
What was I saying about Unagi people.

We are all more vulnerable to crime when we are drunk but having your phone stolen isn't quite the same as having one or two men enter your body. If you're drunk and you get mugged, I won't tell you it's not a crime. I won't tell you, you deserved it. I won't judge you for the crime that was committed against you. Why do we tell women it's their fault if they are raped when drunk?
Being entered isn't something most men can actually relate to and during consensual sex – even the casual type – it's a nice feeling, much like it's nice to welcome someone into your home but come home and find someone has entered your home without consent, regardless of what they have taken, it's a vulnerable and horrible feeling. In fact, on this theme, if I drunkenly told you, you could have my TV for free; you would probably want to check when I was sober to see if I really meant it, even though I pulled it off the wall and offered it to you.

"I can't remember why I was running."

Remember the fear that prison showers invoke in most of you, that's about dominance. Rape is about dominance: sex isn't, sex is about sharing; be that an experience, or just a nice sensation or sharing actual feelings. Let's say that word aloud "sharing". All together now "sex is about sharing." Actually lads, you could do well to remember that as a general rule - I'm - just - saying.

If you need further guidance, here's the low down:
If you've picked a woman because she cannot really respond no matter what you do to her, if you've picked a woman because she'll lie there whilst you pummel away at her, if you've picked a woman who says yes but can barely keep her eyes open, then you've probably chosen her because she cannot share the experience but she'll probably endure it: and in that case, you're as much a rapist as Ched Evans.

Ched Evans can colour it any which way he wants, the fact is he had sex with a woman who was incapacitated - her physical state is on CCTV for anyone to see. He might not have considered what that meant before he did it, but he did it. He didn't care who she was, what she was or if she 'really' wanted sex with a complete stranger. All that mattered was that she was physically in the room, and I don't know the facts of the case but she may have willingly kissed him, said yes - giggled. Ever woken up the morning after the night before and seriously regretted doing or saying something? Remembering how right and normal it felt at the time? Ever woken up the next morning and had to piece together what happened the night before because you don't know why you're in a hotel?

"I can't remember why I was running."

And even as he apologises he refuses to learn from the mistake by refusing to acknowledge it. I'm all for redemption, I spent most of last year writing a play on this very theme. I've waited to hear him speak before forming my opinion on his situation. I believe he should be allowed to play football again, he has served the time a judge and our probation service handed down, but I don't believe he should be allowed to do so whilst he continues to deny his crime and appeal his conviction on the basis that an incredibly drunk girl gave consent.

"I can't remember why I was running." 

Consider this, if he acknowledged that the attitudes to women amongst some footballers is not only disgusting but dangerous, if he turned his life around he could be an incredible role model to young boys entering the profession, instead of just another footballer who thinks women don't matter; they're all sluts, probably.

We would all do well to stop teaching girls not to get too drunk, lest a 'man' take advantage of her and start teaching boys that sex is about sharing, consent and being present. That having sex with someone drunk because you 'can' is not what sex is about. Get a blow up sex doll if you must (or just have a wank, it's free and doesn't hurt anyone -as long as you clean up after, of course); don't treat real living humans as your own personal sex doll. Sure, go out, have a drink and have fun. If you meet someone and she can walk, talk, hold eye contact for more than one second AND she says yes, then have a lovely time, use protection and don't forget there's a person with you in that bed, a real live, moving, living and feeling person. Don't forget the magic word, share. If she's not sharing the experience with you because she physically can't be present because she's so drunk she can't hold her head up,** or she's mentally vulnerable, on medication, a
child - then you've just done something very wrong, very wrong indeed.


Now - WHERE THE HELL IS MY TV??



*this friend is a particular gold mine for drunken stories (sorry 'anonymous'!) - Like the time he was drunk and a homeless man asked him for change. He went to a cash machine, took out £30 and gave it to him. Then he bought the man a packet of 20 cigarettes and then bought himself and the man a burger/kebab (can't remember which). The next day, as lovely as that act was, he couldn't believe he had done it. He would never have done it sober.

** If you get home and find the girl you bought home with you is actually far more drunken than she appeared when you left the pub, then why not wait until the morning? I can promise you two things; one – it's safer and two, the sex will be a lot better when she's capable of joining in properly.