I can't stand the rain

I can feel myself losing a bit of grip at the moment and in an attempt to understand and take a bit of control back I am going to reflect here. So please excuse me whilst I go all Virginia Woolf on you. 

A sudden downpour of rain can take you off guard, especially if you are caught without a blasted umbrella or hat and you got your hair exactly right that morning and now it's totally and utterly ruined. That is how I feel at the moment. Without any warning or explanation that I can think of I am sitting under a great big fat rain cloud. And it's totally ruined my hair. Last year when the same onslaught slowly crept up on me there were good explanations, the first of which was a bout of Glandular fever which is well known for it's tendency to make it's victim feel depressed. The immobility and lack of control over your body and energy levels and the time it wastes makes this inevitable. This is how it all began for me last year and it coincided with a time of personal losses. Or to put it more graphically, a lot of deaths. So sifting my way through the wreckage and the guilt and the blame that my body crumbles under this whilst others around me stay strong I could find solid reasons to explain it and therefore console myself that I was not just mad. But I have no reasons that I can think of right now for me to be feeling low.

Not low, low isn't the word for it. And feeling a bit low makes the whole thing sound like you have an explanation and a grip on things. I have neither. I feel a bit like i'm watching myself from the outside as I am climbing a mountain and I am screaming to my climbing self to not cling onto that rock as that one is clearly crumbling. I can see myself losing control but I can't do anything to stop it. This is the worst and recurring nightmare of the disease called 'Depression' in it's many guises. You know you are being ridiculous. You know that it is within yourself that the answer and the cure must be found. And you know there is no bloody reasonable explanation for you to be so bloody miserable. None. Life is good. You're where you want to be and should be right now. Nothing bad has happened. You have in fact been feeling incredibly happy and content. So what the fuck are you doing? And whilst you shout all these things at the top of your lungs the other self you are watching is humming contentedly as if nothing is happening whilst slowly sinking to the ground as rock after rock comes loose from the mountain. Yesterday a friend was telling me about a fungus that attacks Ants. It takes over the control of their minds and makes them walk up the tallest tree and throw themselves off. Climbing Hannah is currently under this influence I think. And she has no idea. 

And because my last two bouts with this disease came amongst or after periods of struggle, despite the guilt and shame that I was the one who couldn't cope I was really quite able to put them to bed with a feeling that maybe that's just how I cope. Don't get me wrong, I am not in the full grip yet and I'm trying to find funnier and different ways to shout to my climbing self that will actually get it's attention. Writing being for me, right now, my first line of attack. Perhaps the climber likes to read? Although, how is she supposed to read with one hand whilst climbing with another? Perhaps I should start looking at an audio blog because she surely has her ipod with her. I know this girl and she doesn't go anywhere without an ipod. 

The scariest thing for me as I once again battle with this little Goliath inside of me (please note positive reference to 'David and Goliath' here because despite Goliath's strength, David wins) is that this might not be a reactionary disease for me as I once believed. It may actually be me. And that horrifies me because I don't want to be this person. Another scary factor is that this onslaught has come amongst a wave of horrible headaches. Just like Virginia Woolf's 'madness' was always preceded by headaches. Hope it's not a sign of a mutation of my disease. Although the idea of a Teenage Mutant Ninga turtle battling away inside of me makes me smile somewhat. Does this mean the old disease was just a regular baby turtle without any powers? Why turtles? My favourite of the two cousins has got to be hands down the Tortoise. Which interestingly enough I apparently 'nailed' in school this week. Yes. That's right. I make for a rather convincing Tortoise. And if you ask me I reckon a Tortoise could take a Mutant Ninga turtle any day. If you have ever seen a Tortoise dig on youtube before, it's slow determination and utter dedication to the task, if you ask me, makes it rather indestructable. This Tortoise will die before it gives up. 

Shouting Hannah 1 : Climbing Hannah 0