Purgatory

Third and final term EVER is on us from tomorrow. Three more months. Out of a total of eighteen months I have THREE more left to go. Un, deux, TROIS.

She exhales large breath of relief and then draws it right back in. It's not over. Just. Yet.

As happy as I am that I can see the finish line up ahead it is in fact making the motive to continue diminish further. I can see the end but I'm not there. Before there I have another THREE whole months left to go. Honestly, you have seen a little of my struggle on this blog but I can only describe the past two terms as feeling like Purgatory. I am stuck in a hell of my own making. I hate it. I know that the minute I move back all the things I am obsessing over and feeling miserable about will disappear because I will be back in a place that makes me happy. With people I not only like but love. Knowing that all it will take for me to feel happy is to go home, I do not go home. I stay here till the end because I have to. And I could be in Groundhog day only I don't get to improve things with each day I just get to endure the same thing that makes me unhappy, day in and day out. I have to believe it is worth it but I will never put myself in such a situation ever again. Ever. Again.

So, my advice if you have stumbled across this blog hoping to learn about the Lecoq school? Don't go. Don't do it to yourself. Find a nice school in a better country. Unless you are the type of wanker who likes doing back flips and impressive mime instead of acting, in which case do it.

No, in all honesty this is one of the greatest drama schools in the world. You will learn a LOT about yourself and you will find answers to questions you didn't know you had. And all the way through it you will think you are insane and want to leave and yet you'll battle through. Then you'll face the question of 'Do I want to apply for second year' and you'll find yourself too curious to say no and then desperately nervous to hear if you get in or not. And the side of your ego that always needs validating will be delighted to get accepted to anything, even hell. And then you will come back to start second year full of courage and confidence and within the week you'll realise that you are once again back in a hell of your own making and that now you can't back out because to quit mid course would look bad on the CV. And you'll curse yourself for applying to stay on. And you'll know that if you hadn't applied you would have regretted it. And you'll know that it is all really worth it only you'll never see that at the time. Right? Right? I'll tell you if that part is true in a few months. But in the meantime go take a look at the website for RADA or LAMDA or study your arse off, get into Oxford and Cambridge, do no formal training and waltz into any large theatre company on the back of your connections.

I warned you. Don't say I didn't.